Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
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Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
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Only $139.95! Act now!
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
