Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

I’m confused about plants

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

🛁

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”