Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

She knows her part so well!

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

Bitcoin. Toothurt.