Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe