Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.