Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

Cats (2019)

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie