BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
🐿️
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
i was baptized in a car wash
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.