BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me