BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
when nothing goes right… go left
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend