@NicestHippo

BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–

LAWYER: *plays dead*

BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go

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@NervousJr

Based on how many times I’ve dropped my phone, I’m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.

@Torgo_phylum

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

@bossy_bootz

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

@AristotlesNZ

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike

@XplodingUnicorn

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

@Rhythms_n_Booze

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Honestly I’m so shit faced I have no idea.

@InternetHippo

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

@LifeUnPinterest

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

@KML658

Went to type in build a bear and accidentally googled build a bar. Better idea, I know

@FrazzleMyGimp

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot