Based on how many times I’ve dropped my phone, I’m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–
LAWYER: *plays dead*
BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Honestly I’m so shit faced I have no idea.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Went to type in build a bear and accidentally googled build a bar. Better idea, I know
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot