That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
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I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????