Bear knowledge
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Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.