Bear knowledge
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The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud