Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

ouch

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.