Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.