Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

This story is comedy gold 😂

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Finally

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.