Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

Comparing yourself to others

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean