Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity