Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

A drum solo but on your face.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.