Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

Facebook marketplace is a different world

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party