Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
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I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.