Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in