Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.