Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey