Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
can you read it!!??
maan!
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.