{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
