“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.