“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
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British websites use biscuits.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”