“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Godspeed, John Glenn
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Dolls on drugs
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.