Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened?
DAD: The oying hit me
SON: What’s an oying?
DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really