“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank