@GrowlyGrego

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

You Might Also Like

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@MrDelFreaky

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

@LurkAtHomeMom

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

@kimmie_1980

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

@psybermonkey

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

@badbanana

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

@Sickayduh

[hospital]
SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened?
DAD: The oying hit me
SON: What’s an oying?
DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

@BlindChow

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

@internetluke

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really