“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
White parent Vs Arab parents
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages