Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked