Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

A customer told me they were never coming back….

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?