BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
