Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

I fixed it. For me

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy