BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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My life in a nutshell
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.