Beards are a privilege, not a right
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
this got me crying😭😭
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]