Beards are a privilege, not a right
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My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
You’re never alone. Theres mold
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.