Beards are a privilege, not a right
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Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
😾
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?