bears
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Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
When libraries troll their patrons.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.