“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy