Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Venn

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.