“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
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Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Previously On Persistence 😎
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS