bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
This seems like peak sibling energy
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.