bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I love twitter
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.