bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
You Might Also Like
*pokes sex life with a stick
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.