Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.