Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
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Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I beg you to euthanise me
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Not all heroes wear capes.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad