Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

With a text.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

another case of gang violins

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.