Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee