Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Jesus Christ lmao

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy