Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.