Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Children of the Corn Man
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…