Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.