Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly