Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert