Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

Somebody call the cops.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job