beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
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hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
ew if literal: let me be clear
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
can’t catch a break
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor