“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…