Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

This guy gets it.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.