Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it