Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Match dot com, but for socks.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

Do not steal food from the science building!

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

what’s the point then??

ㅤ

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

sweet dreams💖

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead