Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
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I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Guantanamo Bae
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
October already? What’s next? November????
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break