Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
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Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
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700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The internet is full of many things
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The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to