Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

Happy Caturday!

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey