Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

Saw your ex at the shops

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.