Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
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[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash