Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’