Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
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Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
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Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
wut hotdog?
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my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!