Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
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In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
yall want some gasoline milk
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”