Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Same post same

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.