Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.