Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.