Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The answer is funnier than the question
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
This is sending me to another galaxy
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it