Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m an avid indoorsman.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”